My Xanax Addiction

“In short? It’s exhausting being me. The pretense of being normal is exhausting and requires a ton in energy as well as Xanax.”

~ Jenny Lawson, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

There is a saying that America is an Xanax country, and if this is true, then I was the most famous citizen. There was a period when I was a fan of my small “blue footballs”, but it was later discovered that I might have been too fond of them. My Xanax addiction has cost me thousands of dollars, my car, my job, my liberty (briefly), my self-esteem and mental health (briefly) and almost my entire life. It wasn’t supposed to happen in this manner.

From the Beginning

For the majority of my time, I was the one who didn’t take an aspirin for headaches or Midol to ease cramps. This wasn’t because I was against medicine or anything; I did not feel the need to take a pill with any minor pain or ache. Whatever the reason, my attitude changed dramatically when I turned 30. For most of my life, I was a bit of a worryer. I was the person who could see some cloud under the silver line, but I believed that this was the way I was. In the year that I was in, it felt like everything was hitting me more than I had ever felt before. I felt constantly anxious as well as twitchy, achy and even nauseous. I don’t want to sound too cliche. I’m sure it was since I reached the age of milestones, but I was utterly unsatisfied with my life. I was almost incapable of sleeping, a bit agitated and exhausted. My muscles were always tense, and I could not concentrate enough to sit down and watch a program at night. There were occasions when I didn’t leave my house for several days. I finally gave up and realized that I needed to consult a physician. This is the most bizarre thing as I began to describe the situation with the doctor. While I was talking, the doctor interrupted me and stated that it was like I was experiencing clinical anxiety triggered by depression. He gave me a prescription. There was no other option or solution was discussed. The doctor diagnosed the problem, and the entire appointment was not a quick 15 minutes.

A Miracle Worker

I will admit that, at first, buy xanax online seems like a blessing. My twitchiness, tension and anxiety… the whole thing disappeared, and it was quick! If I had an unlucky day, I would take a pill and was feeling better in a flash. I felt confused, but I felt…vaguely content. I was able to sleep!

Wearing Off

After a couple of months, I realized the Xanax pills weren’t appearing to last longer. In the beginning, I was advised of a dosage to be taken three times per every day. However, they would begin to fade around four hours later, and I was left to deal with the gap. Now, it was more severe than any other before. Let me try to describe this. I initially went to the doctor for my anxiety, restlessness, fear, and anxiety that was not defined, becoming a significant distraction throughout my day. The constant struggle with these unanswered experiences caused me to be stressed. It was then that Xanax came into my life, and, in most cases, I was free of these sensations. I could “lean on” my pills and sluggishly – but slightly hazy throughout the day. It usually took between 15 and 20 minutes before I felt the benefits of the drugs, so it was the longest time I’ve ever had to “feel” my anxiety symptoms. Also, as the first dose covered most of the time, and I could take it throughout the day, I didn’t need to feel it. This changed once I began getting used to the dosage. Instead of taking the medicine throughout the day, I only got approximately four hours of relief. If I had taken my medication precisely as prescribed (and at this moment, it was not even a thought to me to think of anything else), I would have had to endure the anxiety and agitation for a long time every day. In addition, as I was no longer used to coping with the symptoms with no pharmaceutical assistance, the signs were hitting me more intensely than ever before. Instead of being a bothersome inconvenience, my anxiety amplified to become crippling.

“Just a Little Bit More”

What could I possibly do? I couldn’t take it anymore. I began taking what I thought I needed when I felt like I needed it. I didn’t see any value in suffering that I could do to alleviate it. When I was in the mood for a pill, I took it. My decision resulted in various outcomes – I’d run out of the medication quickly. I needed to purchase more since avoiding it was not an alternative. Thus, I learned to “doctor shop” to gain several prescriptions. Then, pretty quickly, I was carrying many more “legal” pills than you might imagine I would require. But, getting all the needed medications made me more cautious about taking the drugs. If I ever were feeling the urge, I would take another Xanax. Anxious? Xanax. Restless? Xanax. Feeling down? Xanax. Were you feeling stressed due to a loss of Xanax? Xanax. Since taking them as often as it was convenient, I experienced the euphoric Xanax “high” some people speak about. What started as an attempt to ease anxiety symptoms became a form of recreation. I was often free of anxiety but in a very positive and mellow manner. Whatever issues I was facing did not seem as significant. I was in awe (or indifferent) of the possibility that some of my ailments were proving due to Xanax.

A Downward Spiral

At this point, nearly all aspects I was in were impacted by my addiction to

buying xanax online Like many users of Xanax, I was experiencing memory issues and “losing” time, but even the stress caused by the side effects didn’t bother me. What is it like to realize that using Xanax can affect your brain, leaving you forgetful yet not worrying about it? I experienced a shift from not being able to function due to my anxiety to being unable to get up from my couch due to my Xanax usage. Naturally, I lost my job due to my frequent absences. However, even when I was working, it was the case that there were instances when I was so drunk that I was unable to comprehend my words. I was admitted to the emergency room on three separate occasions because I ingested too much Xanax after I had forgotten I had taken the healthy (unhealthy?) dose. It’s odd to say that the DUI has saved me, yet it’s the truth. The State Trooper stopped my car because I crossed the line, and he uncovered additional prescription bottles. One thing that saved me from facing a distribution charge could be that the different containers were not filled. If I had taken the prescriptions, I would face federal authorities instead of a DUI.